Hard time

I'm having a hard time doing things.

I'm falling behind on cleaning, just regular house stuff like dishes, laundry, tidying up things... 

I'm not feeling creative and having a hard time painting. 

I'm falling behind with my food and am gaining some weight back. 

I feel like I'm inpatient and distracted from my kids and not giving them the attention and education they need and deserve. 

Falling behind financial tracking and being a bit irresponsible... 

Guh! 

Just falling behind in everything. 

Feels like it's been a month of no motivation, no energy, no drive... 

It's been hard... 

Trying to get 1 thing per day done and trun this sad train around. 

The System

The more I am aware of how the world works, the manipulation, the unnecessary greed and warring, the more I am dishearted by our existance. Innocent people are caught in the middle of a few people's greed and insane drive for power and hoarding of resources. What a messed up species we are. 

Priorities

I tried really hard for a long time to get things done, especially things that I think are important. I haven't had the energy or motivation, but recently that has finally changed. It's been overwhelming to try to do everything I want to do now that I can. Trying to juggle cooking, cleaning, painting, taking courses to upgrade professionally, engaging with my kids, my husband, going for walks for my dog, reading, and then resting for my mental health... Don't have the time. Wish I wasn't working so I had the whole day to do this. Then I'd have time to do some gardening as well. 

My Sister

I've been trying to see what my sister has been going through, what has shaped her and her life. We don't have a relationship anymore, not sure why she's distanced herself from me. Probably many things not just one.

But I recently found out she's had a really hard time and just posted online asking for support from stranger since she couldn't talk to her family. 

So heartbreaking. To feel so alone and alienated that you can't turn to your family for a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, or just a wall to bounce off ideas and vent frustrations. 

Breaks my heart to see she's felt this way. 

But, life shapes us and our perception. 

Restless

I'm restless.

I'm full of anctious energy. 

I want to scream. 

I want to cry. 

I want to fight. 

But I'm stuck at a desk. 

Guh. 

I'm still here

I don't write much anymore. Life has changed and gotten smaller. I just read through some of my post from many many years ago, the wild adventures I used to have and realized how much I loved to just start a journey, partially planned, and just figure it out. Navigate situations, rely on my instinct, and just... experience the unexpected.

Now, life is very predictable. I was looking for this though, maybe not quite to this extent though. I do miss the wildness I used to experience. 

Now I work, I spend some time with my kids and husband, and then I paint, or zone out on social media. 

I'm trying to re-connect with my sister. We've had a falling out a long time ago, and we've both grown in our own ways, and we don't know each other anymore. I used to be angry at her for not reaching out. Who knows what her experience was. I'm sure she was angry too, seems like it anyways. Any time either of us brought anything up trying to talk, it ended up in some serious emotional outbursts and lashing out. We haven't really been in each others lives since 2007 since I left for Korea and have had just a surface interaction with my sister and parents. 

Well, such is life now... trying to figure out how to be a 40 year old person, with little kids, financial burdens, with a desire to be creative and not much free time available. Maybe this year I'll start painting early and vigorously, and sell like mad at the Christmas shows, and who knows... maybe not need to work so hard, take more time off. That would be nice. 

Fall Poem

 The colours I painted

Have come back again,

So vibrant and beautiful

But intimidating too.

I want to paint them

On canvas or rock, 

But I worry that I 

Won't capture the real

Nature around

But only stick figures will come out

Of my measly attempts

At putting paint on a surface

That was previously bare

And now is full

Of a person's attempt

At being an artist

Who has thoroughly failed.

Faking it

 I've come pretty far in my painting. 

I started simple and very quickly dove in and done very detailed work. Dogs, cats and people. I've done abstract and some fun designs as well.

Every time I do another painting though, I worry that I'll have forgotten how to paint. Then I finish it and am relieved to see that I am still able to do it. 

It feels like some secret I discovered, not something that I've worked at to learn. 

It started with paint by numbers, and then I saw a Facebook post about painting rocks and tried a few. 

And that's that. I feel like I'm cheating or just colouring, but then I look at all the rocks that I have painted and know it's not really just colouring. 

These are some of my best pieces. 

Art

I've started painting.

It started as simple dot Mandalas on rocks, then simple things with paint markers, then a bit more complex things with a paint brush, followed some tutorials online, and so on and so forth until now. 

Discovering new techniques and trying to get better at the things I've already tried. 

It's been a rewarding process and I've even sold some rocks. 

I have a nice spot in the basement with my paints and my foils, and I tend to loose myself in painting and drawing and tracing and colouring. 

CRA/SIN # scam

So, today my phone number started being used as the call display number for those CRA scam phone calls.

A few interesting things happened:

1. I've started getting many many calls back from people asking who I am and why I'm calling them. 49 calls today. 

2. People are leaving me angry messages and asking why I'm calling them.

I called my phone company to see what they can do, and the only thing I can do is change my number, which I don't want to do. I also called the police but they can't do anything.

So I started answering the calls. I've had a wide array of interactions. People understanding the situation, people not, people angry and a few that I actually had a nice chat with.

The craziest thing about this whole thing is why people call this number back. I try to ask them why they called this number, and majority of the time it happened like this: unknown number calls them and they don't answer, no voice message is left, so right away they call the call display number back to see who it was. Why? I don't get it. Why bother calling? Why not just answer in the first place? Why bother at all?

In the end, I'm having fun with this. With this whole isolation and lack of human and well maniky grown-up interaction, this is a welcome opportunity to have random chit-chats, with very little effort on my part. Hahahahaha. #silverlining

Ps. I'll probably chance my number in a couple of days.