ADHD

So, I think I have ADHD.

It makes sense in so many ways...

The way my memory works, the way my hearing works, the way my focus works, the way so many things work. 

I'm hoping to get a proper diagnosis soon and then hopefully get some actual help with it. 

It's amazing to read what other people are experiencing and then realizing I do that as well and that it is a neurodivergent thing. 

Always learning something new about myself.

Travels

I love travelling. I have done so much of that in my younger life but since coming back to Canada, that just hasn't been possible anymore. And that's ok, I'm just at a different stage in my life.

But, since my change in jobs in September, I've had the opportunity to travel for work around Ontario for a few weeks and that has been amazing for me. A bit challenging for my husband in dealing with the kids and everything on his own for so many days, but it is what it is. 

I've had so many opportunities to reflect, to remember who I used to be, remember things I have done, remember my strengths and understand my potential. 

I hope my children will be able to travel like I did at some point in their life so it can open their mind and expand their idea of life, happiness, responsability and family. 

Hard time

I'm having a hard time doing things.

I'm falling behind on cleaning, just regular house stuff like dishes, laundry, tidying up things... 

I'm not feeling creative and having a hard time painting. 

I'm falling behind with my food and am gaining some weight back. 

I feel like I'm inpatient and distracted from my kids and not giving them the attention and education they need and deserve. 

Falling behind financial tracking and being a bit irresponsible... 

Guh! 

Just falling behind in everything. 

Feels like it's been a month of no motivation, no energy, no drive... 

It's been hard... 

Trying to get 1 thing per day done and trun this sad train around. 

The System

The more I am aware of how the world works, the manipulation, the unnecessary greed and warring, the more I am dishearted by our existance. Innocent people are caught in the middle of a few people's greed and insane drive for power and hoarding of resources. What a messed up species we are. 

Priorities

I tried really hard for a long time to get things done, especially things that I think are important. I haven't had the energy or motivation, but recently that has finally changed. It's been overwhelming to try to do everything I want to do now that I can. Trying to juggle cooking, cleaning, painting, taking courses to upgrade professionally, engaging with my kids, my husband, going for walks for my dog, reading, and then resting for my mental health... Don't have the time. Wish I wasn't working so I had the whole day to do this. Then I'd have time to do some gardening as well. 

My Sister

I've been trying to see what my sister has been going through, what has shaped her and her life. We don't have a relationship anymore, not sure why she's distanced herself from me. Probably many things not just one.

But I recently found out she's had a really hard time and just posted online asking for support from stranger since she couldn't talk to her family. 

So heartbreaking. To feel so alone and alienated that you can't turn to your family for a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, or just a wall to bounce off ideas and vent frustrations. 

Breaks my heart to see she's felt this way. 

But, life shapes us and our perception. 

Restless

I'm restless.

I'm full of anctious energy. 

I want to scream. 

I want to cry. 

I want to fight. 

But I'm stuck at a desk. 

Guh. 

I'm still here

I don't write much anymore. Life has changed and gotten smaller. I just read through some of my post from many many years ago, the wild adventures I used to have and realized how much I loved to just start a journey, partially planned, and just figure it out. Navigate situations, rely on my instinct, and just... experience the unexpected.

Now, life is very predictable. I was looking for this though, maybe not quite to this extent though. I do miss the wildness I used to experience. 

Now I work, I spend some time with my kids and husband, and then I paint, or zone out on social media. 

I'm trying to re-connect with my sister. We've had a falling out a long time ago, and we've both grown in our own ways, and we don't know each other anymore. I used to be angry at her for not reaching out. Who knows what her experience was. I'm sure she was angry too, seems like it anyways. Any time either of us brought anything up trying to talk, it ended up in some serious emotional outbursts and lashing out. We haven't really been in each others lives since 2007 since I left for Korea and have had just a surface interaction with my sister and parents. 

Well, such is life now... trying to figure out how to be a 40 year old person, with little kids, financial burdens, with a desire to be creative and not much free time available. Maybe this year I'll start painting early and vigorously, and sell like mad at the Christmas shows, and who knows... maybe not need to work so hard, take more time off. That would be nice. 

Fall Poem

 The colours I painted

Have come back again,

So vibrant and beautiful

But intimidating too.

I want to paint them

On canvas or rock, 

But I worry that I 

Won't capture the real

Nature around

But only stick figures will come out

Of my measly attempts

At putting paint on a surface

That was previously bare

And now is full

Of a person's attempt

At being an artist

Who has thoroughly failed.

Faking it

 I've come pretty far in my painting. 

I started simple and very quickly dove in and done very detailed work. Dogs, cats and people. I've done abstract and some fun designs as well.

Every time I do another painting though, I worry that I'll have forgotten how to paint. Then I finish it and am relieved to see that I am still able to do it. 

It feels like some secret I discovered, not something that I've worked at to learn. 

It started with paint by numbers, and then I saw a Facebook post about painting rocks and tried a few. 

And that's that. I feel like I'm cheating or just colouring, but then I look at all the rocks that I have painted and know it's not really just colouring. 

These are some of my best pieces.