My time

Regardless of where I am in Canada, the majority of people here live to work.

I on the other hand am sitting at a restaurant drinking a cold beer and eating a delicious gluten free quesedia with guacamole and sour cream.

I'm living in the now, and looking to change my life to continue this way.

Work should be there to sustain your life, not to BE your life, with just some rest and shopping in between.

It's all possible.

It really is!

Struggles

Everyone has a label.

Accountant, working in IT, photographer, nurse, general labourer...

Everyone has a label.

I don't feel qualified for anything here. Which is wrong! I know it is.

Buy my self esteem and confidence is at an all time low.

I need to go on a farm for a few days and remind myself of what I want to fight for.

I think I need to re label myself from teacher to farmer.

And this time, I wholeheartedly want it, and must throw myself into that medium.

But being stuck in a city such as Toronto, not even downtown, but up in the suburbs, and on top of that I don't even have internet or a cell phone. It's driving me up the walls.

I feel so scattered and unfocused. I can't get organised and plan things properly.

Being back here is completely not like I expected it to be.

The food is not agreeing with me, and I find I've become very shy when dealing with people here.

This is a very lonely struggle. Noone here can quite relate to what I'm going through, nor do they have time to listen and help me work things out.

I miss my friends from Korea.

I miss being able to talk to Maya about how I'm processing things and to get some really interesting way of looking at a situation.

I miss talking to Logan and completely forgetting my worries.

I miss talking to Bernard and feeling his happy carefree vibes.

I miss talking to Liz and being able to say the things I feel without the fear of being judged.

I was so lucky to have had that experience in Korea.

I just have to remember my own ideas, stay focused and follow through.

I know what I want.

I must be strong and persistent.

My lifestyle is possible.

I've arrived

Finally, after a very long journey, I'm back.

It feels so normal, like nothing has changed.

Nothing has changed, everything is as it should be.

I am back in my parents house and I don't feel that dread I thought I'd feel when I was younger. That feeling and idea of never moving back in with my parents is gone.

I know this is temporary, and even if it were for a longer period of time, I'm not too worried about it.

Abby is such a sweetheart. She hid when my mom brought her home, but I managed to coax her out of hiding, and is now snuggled up to me on the bed. She's so much happier and relaxed now that I'm here too.

I hope tomorrow's other animal introduction will go well.

But I do miss something.
I miss the country sounds of...
The birds,
The dogs,
The frogs,
The cicadas.

Driving around

It's such a strange way to know your neighborhood.

You only know it from the distance as you quickly drive by in your car.

You then are naturally detached and unaffected by its destruction.

I already miss walking, even though I didn't do much walking when I was in Korea, I scooted around most of the time. But the idea of walking, the feel of the heat, the people you smile and say hello to, the dogs you try to avoid...

So many simple things.

Fancy

So I got to the Philippines.

I got an overpriced taxi to my hotel, but I came to terms with it quickly. I didn't want that to get me down.

My hotel was pretty nice. Basic, but clean and convenient.

The bed was FANTASTIC!

Queen sized bed, soft, big pillows, comfy blanket, crisp and white sheets.

l stretched out on it and I could feel all my cells sighing and relaxing.

I even called for room service. Fancy stuff.

In the morning I ordered a breakfast, and gave the guy exact change. He was surprised and looked at me kind of odd. And then I realised I'm not in Korea anymore, where you only pay for your purchase, and the service is included.

I don't like tipping.

I especially don't like expected tipping.

I'll tip if the service is exceptional.

Tipping culture is annoying.

I suppose I must get used to it.

Or at least figure out a way to make people work for their tip.

Done

And just like that, I'm off.

With no fuss or a big send off, just as it's meant to be.

My apartment is empty and clean, ready for the next person to make their home.

Last time I'll pass these rice fields.

Last time I'll see my school.

Last time I'll hear the cicadas everywhere.

These mountains....
These colours...
This heat...

I will not see the road here finished...
Who knows, maybe I'll be back someday.

Natural Steps

I want to say "I can't believe this is happening!", but I can totally believe it.

It's such a natural step and such perfect timing that I'm not even thinking about how extraordinary this change is.

I was worried last week, comparing myself with people who are on a completely different path than I am.

But now I've stopped. Thank you David and Adam for being super cool and in the moment kind of people, and reminding me of the truth and what is important.

I know where I want to go, and the person I want to be. How other people choose to live their lives and what other people choose to work for does not change anything about me!

Last Night

This is the last night I'll be staying in my place.

Computer is gone.

Internet is gone.

Stuff is gone.

Suitcase almost packed.

Backpack almost packed.

Clutter almost de-cluttered...

Apartment still dirty... ugh!

So close now...

I'm 3 days away...

3 more days and I'm leaving this home that I've known for 6.5 years.

I'm throwing things out now.

And crying...

I wish my close friends were here.

It sucks to do this alone.

I wish these last few days were more meaningful, 

and that my friends had tried harder to make this special for me.

Positive Thinking

I want to be proud of my future and my choices.

I want to be proud of my Romanian heritage.

I want to be proud of my Korean experience.

I want to be proud of myself and my personal growth.

Summer Poem

I sit, I sweat.
I breath, I sweat.
I blink, I sweat.
My clothes are wet.
My phone won't work.
I left a butt print on the bench.
It's 33 and 65%,
But feels like 40 all day long.
I love Korean summer.

Doubts

It is so difficult to overcome your own doubts.

With the coming changes in my life, I've been doubtful in myself a lot.

I know it's something normal, and I'm learning how to overcome and deal with this.

It's the fear of not achieving what I want to achieve.

It's the doubt in my abilities.

It's the doubt in my choices.

It's the doubt in my opportunities.

And no one really teaches how to deal with this kind of doubt. You just have to figure it out on your own.

I am not letting this doubt change my direction, because when I'm not under this kind of stress, I can see my goals and dreams very clearly.

But, as my tattoo very clearly states: This too shall pass.

Disappointed

I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit disappointing.

The last week of school has come and gone.

I said my farewells to my elementary school and had a very nice last day with my two students.

The next day, I said my farewells and had again a wonderful day with my high school students.

Then, my last day at my middle school has also come and gone.

I said good bye to some of the classes I had, but I didn't get a chance to talk to all my students. Some of my classes were cancelled.

That was OK, I saw some of them on the hall way and talked to them a bit then.

But!

What did upset me...

At the end of a semester, there usually is a big dinner, to say bye to the teachers for the summer or if it's at the end of the year, to say bye to any teachers that are leaving.

Well, this time around there's been nothing.

Half of the teachers are gone this week, and the other half will be gone next week, so there won't be another chance to see everyone and say my farewells.

I know most teachers and students are indifferent about my classes and lessons, but this is the first time I feel unappreciated.

Yes, I have not interacted with many of the teachers lately so I know it might be a bit out of place to say anything to me.

But not even the teachers with who I've made an effort to talk to regularly have said anything to me.

I've been at this school for 5 years, more than any of the people here.

But it feels like I'm not an important member of the school staff, like my time here hasn't meant anything, like my leaving means nothing.

That's really sad and disappointing.

***UPDATE***

I had a small lunch with the other English Teachers at my middle school, and had a nice little farewell there.
On Friday I said goodbye to the Vice Principal, and one other teacher. The rest, I think are unaware that I'll be leaving and not coming back.

Well, this is it. One more week and then I'm off.