The System

The more I am aware of how the world works, the manipulation, the unnecessary greed and warring, the more I am dishearted by our existance. Innocent people are caught in the middle of a few people's greed and insane drive for power and hoarding of resources. What a messed up species we are. 

Priorities

I tried really hard for a long time to get things done, especially things that I think are important. I haven't had the energy or motivation, but recently that has finally changed. It's been overwhelming to try to do everything I want to do now that I can. Trying to juggle cooking, cleaning, painting, taking courses to upgrade professionally, engaging with my kids, my husband, going for walks for my dog, reading, and then resting for my mental health... Don't have the time. Wish I wasn't working so I had the whole day to do this. Then I'd have time to do some gardening as well. 

My Sister

I've been trying to see what my sister has been going through, what has shaped her and her life. We don't have a relationship anymore, not sure why she's distanced herself from me. Probably many things not just one.

But I recently found out she's had a really hard time and just posted online asking for support from stranger since she couldn't talk to her family. 

So heartbreaking. To feel so alone and alienated that you can't turn to your family for a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, or just a wall to bounce off ideas and vent frustrations. 

Breaks my heart to see she's felt this way. 

But, life shapes us and our perception. 

Restless

I'm restless.

I'm full of anctious energy. 

I want to scream. 

I want to cry. 

I want to fight. 

But I'm stuck at a desk. 

Guh. 

I'm still here

I don't write much anymore. Life has changed and gotten smaller. I just read through some of my post from many many years ago, the wild adventures I used to have and realized how much I loved to just start a journey, partially planned, and just figure it out. Navigate situations, rely on my instinct, and just... experience the unexpected.

Now, life is very predictable. I was looking for this though, maybe not quite to this extent though. I do miss the wildness I used to experience. 

Now I work, I spend some time with my kids and husband, and then I paint, or zone out on social media. 

I'm trying to re-connect with my sister. We've had a falling out a long time ago, and we've both grown in our own ways, and we don't know each other anymore. I used to be angry at her for not reaching out. Who knows what her experience was. I'm sure she was angry too, seems like it anyways. Any time either of us brought anything up trying to talk, it ended up in some serious emotional outbursts and lashing out. We haven't really been in each others lives since 2007 since I left for Korea and have had just a surface interaction with my sister and parents. 

Well, such is life now... trying to figure out how to be a 40 year old person, with little kids, financial burdens, with a desire to be creative and not much free time available. Maybe this year I'll start painting early and vigorously, and sell like mad at the Christmas shows, and who knows... maybe not need to work so hard, take more time off. That would be nice.