Painting again

 Found a great YouTube video to listen to that doesn't demand my attention, but is warm and cozy. 

This has allowed me to focus on my painting again. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ATZQNdlRi1M

There are so many like it. Oh, I just love them!!

Smooth Jazz, old tunes... paired with an vintage old timey kitchens, or gardens, or living rooms, complete with a fire place and hanging drying herbs. 

Love it!!

ADHD

So, I think I have ADHD.

It makes sense in so many ways...

The way my memory works, the way my hearing works, the way my focus works, the way so many things work. 

I'm hoping to get a proper diagnosis soon and then hopefully get some actual help with it. 

It's amazing to read what other people are experiencing and then realizing I do that as well and that it is a neurodivergent thing. 

Always learning something new about myself.

Travels

I love travelling. I have done so much of that in my younger life but since coming back to Canada, that just hasn't been possible anymore. And that's ok, I'm just at a different stage in my life.

But, since my change in jobs in September, I've had the opportunity to travel for work around Ontario for a few weeks and that has been amazing for me. A bit challenging for my husband in dealing with the kids and everything on his own for so many days, but it is what it is. 

I've had so many opportunities to reflect, to remember who I used to be, remember things I have done, remember my strengths and understand my potential. 

I hope my children will be able to travel like I did at some point in their life so it can open their mind and expand their idea of life, happiness, responsability and family. 

Hard time

I'm having a hard time doing things.

I'm falling behind on cleaning, just regular house stuff like dishes, laundry, tidying up things... 

I'm not feeling creative and having a hard time painting. 

I'm falling behind with my food and am gaining some weight back. 

I feel like I'm inpatient and distracted from my kids and not giving them the attention and education they need and deserve. 

Falling behind financial tracking and being a bit irresponsible... 

Guh! 

Just falling behind in everything. 

Feels like it's been a month of no motivation, no energy, no drive... 

It's been hard... 

Trying to get 1 thing per day done and trun this sad train around. 

The System

The more I am aware of how the world works, the manipulation, the unnecessary greed and warring, the more I am dishearted by our existance. Innocent people are caught in the middle of a few people's greed and insane drive for power and hoarding of resources. What a messed up species we are. 

Priorities

I tried really hard for a long time to get things done, especially things that I think are important. I haven't had the energy or motivation, but recently that has finally changed. It's been overwhelming to try to do everything I want to do now that I can. Trying to juggle cooking, cleaning, painting, taking courses to upgrade professionally, engaging with my kids, my husband, going for walks for my dog, reading, and then resting for my mental health... Don't have the time. Wish I wasn't working so I had the whole day to do this. Then I'd have time to do some gardening as well. 

My Sister

I've been trying to see what my sister has been going through, what has shaped her and her life. We don't have a relationship anymore, not sure why she's distanced herself from me. Probably many things not just one.

But I recently found out she's had a really hard time and just posted online asking for support from stranger since she couldn't talk to her family. 

So heartbreaking. To feel so alone and alienated that you can't turn to your family for a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, or just a wall to bounce off ideas and vent frustrations. 

Breaks my heart to see she's felt this way. 

But, life shapes us and our perception. 

Restless

I'm restless.

I'm full of anctious energy. 

I want to scream. 

I want to cry. 

I want to fight. 

But I'm stuck at a desk. 

Guh. 

I'm still here

I don't write much anymore. Life has changed and gotten smaller. I just read through some of my post from many many years ago, the wild adventures I used to have and realized how much I loved to just start a journey, partially planned, and just figure it out. Navigate situations, rely on my instinct, and just... experience the unexpected.

Now, life is very predictable. I was looking for this though, maybe not quite to this extent though. I do miss the wildness I used to experience. 

Now I work, I spend some time with my kids and husband, and then I paint, or zone out on social media. 

I'm trying to re-connect with my sister. We've had a falling out a long time ago, and we've both grown in our own ways, and we don't know each other anymore. I used to be angry at her for not reaching out. Who knows what her experience was. I'm sure she was angry too, seems like it anyways. Any time either of us brought anything up trying to talk, it ended up in some serious emotional outbursts and lashing out. We haven't really been in each others lives since 2007 since I left for Korea and have had just a surface interaction with my sister and parents. 

Well, such is life now... trying to figure out how to be a 40 year old person, with little kids, financial burdens, with a desire to be creative and not much free time available. Maybe this year I'll start painting early and vigorously, and sell like mad at the Christmas shows, and who knows... maybe not need to work so hard, take more time off. That would be nice. 

Fall Poem

 The colours I painted

Have come back again,

So vibrant and beautiful

But intimidating too.

I want to paint them

On canvas or rock, 

But I worry that I 

Won't capture the real

Nature around

But only stick figures will come out

Of my measly attempts

At putting paint on a surface

That was previously bare

And now is full

Of a person's attempt

At being an artist

Who has thoroughly failed.

Faking it

 I've come pretty far in my painting. 

I started simple and very quickly dove in and done very detailed work. Dogs, cats and people. I've done abstract and some fun designs as well.

Every time I do another painting though, I worry that I'll have forgotten how to paint. Then I finish it and am relieved to see that I am still able to do it. 

It feels like some secret I discovered, not something that I've worked at to learn. 

It started with paint by numbers, and then I saw a Facebook post about painting rocks and tried a few. 

And that's that. I feel like I'm cheating or just colouring, but then I look at all the rocks that I have painted and know it's not really just colouring. 

These are some of my best pieces. 

Art

I've started painting.

It started as simple dot Mandalas on rocks, then simple things with paint markers, then a bit more complex things with a paint brush, followed some tutorials online, and so on and so forth until now. 

Discovering new techniques and trying to get better at the things I've already tried. 

It's been a rewarding process and I've even sold some rocks. 

I have a nice spot in the basement with my paints and my foils, and I tend to loose myself in painting and drawing and tracing and colouring. 

CRA/SIN # scam

So, today my phone number started being used as the call display number for those CRA scam phone calls.

A few interesting things happened:

1. I've started getting many many calls back from people asking who I am and why I'm calling them. 49 calls today. 

2. People are leaving me angry messages and asking why I'm calling them.

I called my phone company to see what they can do, and the only thing I can do is change my number, which I don't want to do. I also called the police but they can't do anything.

So I started answering the calls. I've had a wide array of interactions. People understanding the situation, people not, people angry and a few that I actually had a nice chat with.

The craziest thing about this whole thing is why people call this number back. I try to ask them why they called this number, and majority of the time it happened like this: unknown number calls them and they don't answer, no voice message is left, so right away they call the call display number back to see who it was. Why? I don't get it. Why bother calling? Why not just answer in the first place? Why bother at all?

In the end, I'm having fun with this. With this whole isolation and lack of human and well maniky grown-up interaction, this is a welcome opportunity to have random chit-chats, with very little effort on my part. Hahahahaha. #silverlining

Ps. I'll probably chance my number in a couple of days. 

Being a mother

My worst fears as a mother is dying and leaving my kids without me there to help and take care of them.

My second worst fear is that I will not have taught them enough to make good decisions or be good and well rounded people. 

My third worst fear is that they will grow up thinking I didn't do a good job as a parent, and resent me for mistakes I may make. 

Kids learning

It's so easy to forget that my kids are still learning and aren't fully formed adults with all the understanding and capabilities that comes with age.

It's so easy to assume that my oldest understands what needs to be done and why, and actually do it.

It's so easy to get frustrated and forget that neither of my kids can yet understand that others have feelings and wants and have a different experience than they do.

I look forward to them learning and growing and changing and becoming fully rounded people.

I just hope that I'll be able to help them enough, give them the right tools, and guide them to be able to handle their feelings and their wants and navigate their world like champions.

Maturity

I'm constantly fighting to be mature, to be kind, to behave like a responsible adult.

I want to make a joke at work, and then I check myself and realize that's not very mature and I need to rein it in.

Being kind to others takes practice. It's very easy to be careless and unkind, but it takes actual thoughtful effort to be kind, especially if there is no reward for your kindness.

Adulting is hard. SO HARD!! It's so easy to not take care of things. But maturity, and responsibility, and goals make for easier adulting. So, baby steps :).

Sometimes I don't notice I fail at these things, and when I do notice, it's so easy to be hard on myself.

But I've realized that no one is going to give me a break, no one is going to pat me on the back and tell me I'm adulting really well, no one is going be proud of how much I've grown and learned and done. No one but myself.

So I've got to give myself a break, I've got to pat myself on the back when I've done things well, and I've got to be proud of myself for all the things I've learned and done.

Happy 37

I just turned 37, and it's taken this long to become more confident and to start accepting myself.

I've started accepting how my husband is too, with all the things I don't like about him that drive me up the wall.

It's hard to get to this point.

But I'm finally back to myself, and all this anger and frustration and irritation can just fade away.

Update

Wow!

Well, so much has happened.

I don't think I actually remember all the things that have happened.

I'll tell you about yesterday though, it might be easier to start with.

But first, here's a bit of a recap:

I am an intern again at another farm. This time, a farm that does both animals and vegetables.

I've been here just over two weeks now and am loving it.

I'm living in a shared house with the 6 other farmers/interns and the farm owners live next door.

Well, yesterday I had a fantastic day!

After a couple of times of being shown how to milk, I finally did the morning milking myself. It's only 2 cows yes, so it's not very difficult, but I did the equipment setup, the bringing in the cows, the cleaning and milking, and then the equipment cleanup and

Difficult Conversations

It's hard to have a difficult conversation with someone who doesn't want to hear what you have to say.

It's hard to make someone understand you when they don't want to hear what you have to say.

It's even harder to have a difficult conversation with someone you care about and who doesn't want to hear what you have to say, because it hurts that much more.

Getting easier

It's just starting to get a bit easier.