Thursday, December 6, 2018

First period again

Today I got my period for the first time in over two years.

I cried.

I'll never have another child, and with every period I will be reminded that this was a possible child that I will never meet and kiss and raise and cherish and love.

As hard as it is right now to have two little children, I look at my little baby girl and her smile just melts me away. I see my boy running asking "mama, catch me" and my heart hurts from the amount of love I feel.

I've made two beautiful amazing beings.

That's right. My body grew these babies that are becoming children that will become people. They came out of my body and then I fed them from my body. It's incredible really when you stop and look at this miracle, this gift of motherhood.

And now I feel myself going through the cycles of hormones and ovulation and menstruation and I remember the pregnancy hormones, the nausea, the labour pains... Which I will never go though again...

I'm coming back to the person I used to be pre-babies, but now I've got kids and a husband and a body that's been through a lot. It's scary.

Now it's truly is up to me. The pregnancy fog is lifting and all that I want to be and do is my responsability.

It's a new chapter.

Tuesday, July 3, 2018

Raising kids

Raising kids is a lonely business. Just like pregnancy was, for me it all feels like I'm left alone to handle, figure out, and just do it. I thought parenting, even at this early stage would be shared between parents, where both take on responsability, try things when it's not working, take on the burden of dealing with a crying infant so the other can get a rest. Be partners and support each other.

Maybe my experience is thus because my partner is lacking and not pulling his weight.

It very much feels like I'm a single parent most of the time. It's a lonely time.

Saturday, June 2, 2018

New chapter

In a few hours I'm going to be induced with my second child. I'm experiencing a lot of different emotions. I'm not really nervous about the birth, my hips are made for this. I'm nervous for after the birth. How will we all adjust? How can I help the kids connect and grow close? Will we be able to manage? Will I?

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

Another year gone

Now we have 2 dogs, still in the same apartment, I did have a job which I left a few weeks ago when I went on my 2nd maternity leave :), and now I'm just waiting for our little girl to be born.

Miles is 17 months old now and is a fantastic little person. Every day he does something new.

He walks, runs, babbles, says some words, is learning about the world and growing up just way too fast.