and totally fits in with what I'm going through at this time in my life. Here is this great piece of writing.
I have never just been me, the authentic Me. The Me with no added sugar or artificial coloring.
I have always thrown in extra ingredients to be more palatable, more pleasing. Or worse, I have chopped myself into pieces. I would then take the piece I felt was best suited to the occasion and place it on display. Sprinkle some false bravado or charm on top, as needed, and serve myself up cold.
I always picked the piece I felt would be the most valued. The piece that would garner me the most praise or love or sex or whatever it was I was seeking in the moment, that I felt would make me feel whole, wanted. I have lived my life by fractions, tiny fractions of my true self.
I am no longer choosing to do this. I now aspire to be all of me, the profane, the sacred, the twisted, the glorious and everything in between. It is time, time to lay down all my armor. It has grown so, so heavy, and truth be told, it has never shined.
The person hiding inside this walking prison is not a knight. No, far from it, he is a scared little boy, too afraid to claim all that he is, all that he came here to be.
Yes, it’s time for this armor to come off, piece by blessed piece.
It’s time to let go of all the self-hatred, all the self-judgment, all the I’m not fucking good enough.
Time to release all the people-pleasing, all the co-dependence, all the fear of abandonment.
Time to set free all the vengeance in my heart and dishonesty on my lips. Oh yeah, it’s time. It’s time to stand in all that I am.
Stand in all my sexy, all my kooky, all my bad motherfuckerness.
Stand in all my lovely, all my frailty, all my deviance.
Stand in all my magic, all my incompleteness, all my devotion.
Stand in all my juju, all my ridiculousness, all my awe for you, for me, for life.
And when I get afraid, so afraid that I want to wrench the covers over my life and hit the snooze button for all eternity, I will not climb back into my armor. No. I will reach for your hand. I will slide your hand into mine and clasp it to my heart and tell you I am terrified.
I will grant you an all-access pass to the greatest show on earth, my raw, vulnerable, lovely, authentic self, and in so doing I shall set us free.
I will listen with all my love to all of your terror, all your rage, all your disappointment, and we shall dance in unity and sway with intimacy and laugh in truth.
Yes, it’s time. It’s time because a life lived in fractions is no life at all. I have decided to add up all of my pieces, all of the pieces of Me, and guess what?
They all equal a whole number. One single, indivisible, glorious number.
OK, so I'm going to stop feeling down, and responsible.
That doesn't really help with anything, just with stopping me from getting on with my life.
I feel like there are definite stages in a breakup... disbelief, anger, resentment, guilt, depression, freedom, empowerment, and in the end wisdom and growth.
I'm definitely at the last couple of stages of this process.
I've also learned a lot from thinking about this an analyzing the situation and myself over the past month.
I still have a lot to learn about myself, about how to be honest with myself, how to stand firm for what I value and to speak up when I don't agree with something. How to read the signs of incompatibility, and understand how the other persons behaviour is not necessarily always related to me.
We weren't together for a long time... officially two and a half months, but we were talking for maybe a month or so before that.
But we were both interested in a long term relationship.
It turned out that I was more ready for a relationship that he was... and so work took over his life and pushed me to the sidelines. I had no options but to break up.
This was really difficult since I was looking at it as a long term investment, but I can't imagine breaking up with someone after a few years of being together and trying to make it work and investing so much time and energy and so many emotions into it. That's gotta be painful and confusing and demoralizing.
At first I thought I had done something wrong, and obviously I was obsessing about figuring out what happened. And then I realized, I hadn't done anything wrong. I was myself, and it was him who chose not to give this relationship the time it needed.
But it still hurts.
I feel hurt and more alone than before.
Confidence is down...
Self worth is down...
Motivation is down...
And my body is feeling it too...
Immune system is down...
Energy is down...
Feeling of attractiveness is down...
I know this is not going to last forever, and it's going to pass soon... it just sucks at the moment.
I don't feel the passion because I'm working for someone else. I want to know everything about what I'm doing... the task: why I'm doing it, how to do it well, what happens in that process, details about the process and what I enjoy most, what's most profitable, and easiest to do with the resources I have at that time. I need to spend one year making some serious money, then rent some land, buy some tools, seeds, bigger car, and start growing to see if I can make some money at it. Hopefully buy land soon after that, 1 or 2 acres, and then plant some perennials, some trees, and design it so it's accessible, intensive, organized, but beautiful. After one more year of learning, and strengthening, then Korea or something equally profitable.
It's so easy to loose perspective... to forget why I'm doing all of this...
It's unhealthy to put so much pressure and expectation on finding the right thing...
This way, the present is not enjoyed.
There's just stress and worry about the future...
Things are not happening fast enough,
I'm not experiencing what I thought I'd be experiencing,
I haven't learned what I thought I'd learn yet,
I don't feel I'm any closer to my true purpose...
So much expectation...
So much worry...
So much stress...
I just need to step back, remember why I'm on this journey, relax, remember my belief in following the universe and experience the joys of life, breath, remember to do things I enjoy, and work on small goals and achievements.
Hand in hand with my missing Korean life goes missing the Korean food.
to just name a few. I was going to add some pictures, but I got distracted.
Those are my favourite foods by far.
Today I went to a Korean grocery store and bought some yummy stuff:
radish kimchi, corn chips, pickled radish, kimbap, banana milk and some red pepper paste
It was nice to be back in that environment, of Korean music, of Korean people, of the language and being happily ignored yet observed at the same time. That strange sense of not being able to communicate, yet still interacting and longing to learn and understand...
There have been a lot of changes going on. Good changes.
I feel I can grow more now, learn more, try new things and practice my management skills and see how much responsibility I can actually handle.
2 of the farm staff have left, and so there are a lot of tasks that need to be taken over.
I'm not officially the kitchen manager (YAY), so I'll be dealing with the food orders, food budgeting, and kitchen maintenance. I'm so excited to finally be able to do this. I've been waiting for quite a while and finally, I'm able to be in charge of this.
I'll also be in charge of the farm store. Opening it up, setting it up, doing the cash, inventory, dealing with the people who come to pick up their veggie shares. Also super exciting :).