Update

Wow!

Well, so much has happened.

I don't think I actually remember all the things that have happened.

I'll tell you about yesterday though, it might be easier to start with.

But first, here's a bit of a recap:

I am an intern again at another farm. This time, a farm that does both animals and vegetables.

I've been here just over two weeks now and am loving it.

I'm living in a shared house with the 6 other farmers/interns and the farm owners live next door.

Well, yesterday I had a fantastic day!

After a couple of times of being shown how to milk, I finally did the morning milking myself. It's only 2 cows yes, so it's not very difficult, but I did the equipment setup, the bringing in the cows, the cleaning and milking, and then the equipment cleanup and

Difficult Conversations

It's hard to have a difficult conversation with someone who doesn't want to hear what you have to say.

It's hard to make someone understand you when they don't want to hear what you have to say.

It's even harder to have a difficult conversation with someone you care about and who doesn't want to hear what you have to say, because it hurts that much more.

Getting easier

It's just starting to get a bit easier.

First period again

Today I got my period for the first time in over two years.

I cried.

I'll never have another child, and with every period I will be reminded that this was a possible child that I will never meet and kiss and raise and cherish and love.

As hard as it is right now to have two little children, I look at my little baby girl and her smile just melts me away. I see my boy running asking "mama, catch me" and my heart hurts from the amount of love I feel.

I've made two beautiful amazing beings.

That's right. My body grew these babies that are becoming children that will become people. They came out of my body and then I fed them from my body. It's incredible really when you stop and look at this miracle, this gift of motherhood.

And now I feel myself going through the cycles of hormones and ovulation and menstruation and I remember the pregnancy hormones, the nausea, the labour pains... Which I will never go though again...

I'm coming back to the person I used to be pre-babies, but now I've got kids and a husband and a body that's been through a lot. It's scary.

Now it's truly is up to me. The pregnancy fog is lifting and all that I want to be and do is my responsability.

It's a new chapter.

Raising kids

Raising kids is a lonely business. Just like pregnancy was, for me it all feels like I'm left alone to handle, figure out, and just do it. I thought parenting, even at this early stage would be shared between parents, where both take on responsability, try things when it's not working, take on the burden of dealing with a crying infant so the other can get a rest. Be partners and support each other.

Maybe my experience is thus because my partner is lacking and not pulling his weight.

It very much feels like I'm a single parent most of the time. It's a lonely time.

New chapter

In a few hours I'm going to be induced with my second child. I'm experiencing a lot of different emotions. I'm not really nervous about the birth, my hips are made for this. I'm nervous for after the birth. How will we all adjust? How can I help the kids connect and grow close? Will we be able to manage? Will I?

Another year gone

Now we have 2 dogs, still in the same apartment, I did have a job which I left a few weeks ago when I went on my 2nd maternity leave :), and now I'm just waiting for our little girl to be born.

Miles is 17 months old now and is a fantastic little person. Every day he does something new.

He walks, runs, babbles, says some words, is learning about the world and growing up just way too fast.

 

The Long Inbetween

It's been again a long time.

Today finds me married, living in Guelph and 33 weeks pregnant. I've got a lovely husband, cute dog, big apartment, new car, new friends and no job but hey, can't have everything :).

Spring is Here

I can feel it in the air.

It's cool, but warm. Crisp and full of new beginnings.

The snow is melting and the ground is all muddy.
It still freezes up at night, but thaws up during the day.

The sun is out for longer because of the daylight savings, and it smells like spring as well.
I'm sure there will be a few more cold spells until it's all done, but I hope they are not very long.

Next weekend I'm moving to the new farm, the week after that I'll be done work and will be off on vacation, and then in April I'll be starting at the new place. I'm so excited to be part of a new farming community.

I need to read up on better communication... there will be 6 other people working and living there so an open mind and open heart will be necessary for a smooth integration. I can't wait!!

Mind Expanding

So, I discovered Brene Brown a while back. She is a researcher focusing on connection, shame, fear, joy, vulnerability and oh so many other things that make us human and allow us to cultivate better connections with people.

Today I found another great video from her. It's on Blame.

Here's another one on Empathy.

And to give you a better clue as to what Brene Brown is talking about, here is her amazing TED talk that went viral a few years back about Vulnerability.

If any of this speaks to you, check out her book Daring Greatly. It's a wealth of information.