Growing some more

Oh, I want to say what I am feeling right now, I want to write something that will show what I'm thinking, but it's just not coming out. All I can do is wait and see and not rush things. When it's time to act and make a decision I will. But until then, I have to be content with what I have. I find myself restless and looking for change. I wish I would have more courage and be more assertive.

Confused

I feel at a crossroads again. The prospect of staying in the same place another year doesn't appeal to me anymore. But at the same time I'm torn as to what to do. I am realizing more and more that things can change at any time, when I choose I can just do something different. I feel afraid of change all of a sudden. The comfort and easy in which I'm living in right now is making me lazy and not wanting to do anything about it. I guess if I knew my contract would end in a couple of months I would be feeling that rush of things changing and moving and having to pack and plan to where I need to go next, but now, since I resigned at the same place, I find I'm loosing the energy to keep doing what I've been doing so far. What if I go somewhere else and I'll feel just the same, looking outside of myself for the answer to my happiness.

What I want

I can see it clearer and clearer. I want to be in the country side. I want a little farm, with some pigs and a cow and chickens and a little patch of land where I can grow my vegetables and all that I need to live. I want to live a natural life where I can work for myself, where I can see my labour flourish into nice carrots and onions and lettuce and beans and tomatoes and fat plump chickens and yummy eggs and fresh milk and home made sausages and roast pork. I want the smell, I want the dirt, I want the simple life.