Fancy

So I got to the Philippines.

I got an overpriced taxi to my hotel, but I came to terms with it quickly. I didn't want that to get me down.

My hotel was pretty nice. Basic, but clean and convenient.

The bed was FANTASTIC!

Queen sized bed, soft, big pillows, comfy blanket, crisp and white sheets.

l stretched out on it and I could feel all my cells sighing and relaxing.

I even called for room service. Fancy stuff.

In the morning I ordered a breakfast, and gave the guy exact change. He was surprised and looked at me kind of odd. And then I realised I'm not in Korea anymore, where you only pay for your purchase, and the service is included.

I don't like tipping.

I especially don't like expected tipping.

I'll tip if the service is exceptional.

Tipping culture is annoying.

I suppose I must get used to it.

Or at least figure out a way to make people work for their tip.

Done

And just like that, I'm off.

With no fuss or a big send off, just as it's meant to be.

My apartment is empty and clean, ready for the next person to make their home.

Last time I'll pass these rice fields.

Last time I'll see my school.

Last time I'll hear the cicadas everywhere.

These mountains....
These colours...
This heat...

I will not see the road here finished...
Who knows, maybe I'll be back someday.

Natural Steps

I want to say "I can't believe this is happening!", but I can totally believe it.

It's such a natural step and such perfect timing that I'm not even thinking about how extraordinary this change is.

I was worried last week, comparing myself with people who are on a completely different path than I am.

But now I've stopped. Thank you David and Adam for being super cool and in the moment kind of people, and reminding me of the truth and what is important.

I know where I want to go, and the person I want to be. How other people choose to live their lives and what other people choose to work for does not change anything about me!

Last Night

This is the last night I'll be staying in my place.

Computer is gone.

Internet is gone.

Stuff is gone.

Suitcase almost packed.

Backpack almost packed.

Clutter almost de-cluttered...

Apartment still dirty... ugh!

So close now...

I'm 3 days away...

3 more days and I'm leaving this home that I've known for 6.5 years.

I'm throwing things out now.

And crying...

I wish my close friends were here.

It sucks to do this alone.

I wish these last few days were more meaningful, 

and that my friends had tried harder to make this special for me.

Positive Thinking

I want to be proud of my future and my choices.

I want to be proud of my Romanian heritage.

I want to be proud of my Korean experience.

I want to be proud of myself and my personal growth.

Summer Poem

I sit, I sweat.
I breath, I sweat.
I blink, I sweat.
My clothes are wet.
My phone won't work.
I left a butt print on the bench.
It's 33 and 65%,
But feels like 40 all day long.
I love Korean summer.

Doubts

It is so difficult to overcome your own doubts.

With the coming changes in my life, I've been doubtful in myself a lot.

I know it's something normal, and I'm learning how to overcome and deal with this.

It's the fear of not achieving what I want to achieve.

It's the doubt in my abilities.

It's the doubt in my choices.

It's the doubt in my opportunities.

And no one really teaches how to deal with this kind of doubt. You just have to figure it out on your own.

I am not letting this doubt change my direction, because when I'm not under this kind of stress, I can see my goals and dreams very clearly.

But, as my tattoo very clearly states: This too shall pass.

Disappointed

I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit disappointing.

The last week of school has come and gone.

I said my farewells to my elementary school and had a very nice last day with my two students.

The next day, I said my farewells and had again a wonderful day with my high school students.

Then, my last day at my middle school has also come and gone.

I said good bye to some of the classes I had, but I didn't get a chance to talk to all my students. Some of my classes were cancelled.

That was OK, I saw some of them on the hall way and talked to them a bit then.

But!

What did upset me...

At the end of a semester, there usually is a big dinner, to say bye to the teachers for the summer or if it's at the end of the year, to say bye to any teachers that are leaving.

Well, this time around there's been nothing.

Half of the teachers are gone this week, and the other half will be gone next week, so there won't be another chance to see everyone and say my farewells.

I know most teachers and students are indifferent about my classes and lessons, but this is the first time I feel unappreciated.

Yes, I have not interacted with many of the teachers lately so I know it might be a bit out of place to say anything to me.

But not even the teachers with who I've made an effort to talk to regularly have said anything to me.

I've been at this school for 5 years, more than any of the people here.

But it feels like I'm not an important member of the school staff, like my time here hasn't meant anything, like my leaving means nothing.

That's really sad and disappointing.

***UPDATE***

I had a small lunch with the other English Teachers at my middle school, and had a nice little farewell there.
On Friday I said goodbye to the Vice Principal, and one other teacher. The rest, I think are unaware that I'll be leaving and not coming back.

Well, this is it. One more week and then I'm off.

Clothes and other things that (don't) fit

In the last couple of day, something sad but amazing dawned on me.

I found out the reason why I wore men's clothing when I was younger and why it took me so long to look and dress more feminine.

The annoyingly simple answer is:

I didn't know how to.

It was not something intuitive to me.

I was completely clueless.

I remember going shopping with my sister at the stores she liked, and she would know what to get for herself.

Just like that.

She would know what looked good, what fit, what went with what, what colours, what styles.

But I had no idea.

First, none of the clothes that jumped at me fit. So I developed a bad body image, thinking that I was too fat to look good in "normal" clothes. 

No one had told me not to shop at the skinny people's stores but to go to the curvy women's stores/sections.

Then, I also had no idea what colours suited me, how to combine materials, what styles there were and what clothes and materials would fit my figure.

And so, I was clueless as to how to shop for clothes that fit me, made me look feminine, and that gave me confidence in my appearance.

But I still needed clothes.

So I bought men's clothing.

Those always fit and they were cheap and you could buy them everywhere.

And that's what I did for a few years, pretty much throughout university. This not only affected the way I'd dress, but many other things.

Before leaving university in December, I decided to get curly hair. I don't know what drove me to do that, but that's where it all changed.

That year, for new years eve I went to a party with my sister and a friend from uni.

I still have the picture of me and my fabulous outfit. I never felt so beautiful and fantastic before. Hair, makeup, earrings, necklace, low cut shirt, belt, pants and shoes. All very feminine and fitting me well.

But that was only one outfit, something to wear for special occasions... I still had the rest of the time to deal with.

So, I moved on from men's clothing to jeans and a shirt. It was a step up, but still not feminine or complementary to my figure.

A few months later when I moved to Korea, my fashion sense, if you want to call it that, and my sense of self got influenced by a whole new bunch of things.

Again I didn't fit and was bigger than most of the people I knew and saw, at least that's how it felt. Again I couldn't find any clothes that fit me or that made me look and feel good.

I didn't think about it very much, didn't do much shopping either, but just made due with the shirts and t-shirts I had.

I eventually got some nicer things when I'd travel to Thailand, so the winter and summer vacations became my favorite time of the year because I could wear nice thing that made me feel like a beautiful woman.

Things have changed lately. My priorities have changed. This last year I've spent a bit more money and I've been shopping at an international store that sells larger women's clothing. This way I've been able to buy some very pretty clothes. 

So, looking back, this has been a very long and difficult learning experience.

I wish someone would have sat me down when I was younger and would have told me that solid colours are my thing, that my hair up in a ponytail is not a good look for me, that dresses and skirts look good but that I should wear something underneath so as to not chafe, that skinny jeans do look good on me and bell-bottoms not so much. I wish someone would have told me all these things and more, things that I've only managed to learn now, in my late 20s.

Now I'm looking forward to go back to Canada and try to find clothes that suit my shape, my taste and my budget.

Next, I might tackle swimwear, or makeup and facial products. But I don't know, that might take another 10 or 20 years if I keep going at this pace.