Tuesday, November 26, 2013

My Birthday and other lessons

Ok, another day, another regular day. I don’t see what the big deal is. It means nothing, it really doesn’t. I used to secretly like the attention, but now, no, I actually don’t even secretly want the attention anymore. Really! Last year, yea, it was a bit different for me. I turned 30 last year. And yes, we are talking about my birthday. 

Today I’m turning 31. And I feel a lot of pressure from people to celebrate it. 
To make a big deal about it. 

It’s not a big deal. It’s just another day. I don’t really count my years, my months, my days, my hours… I don’t have a watch. I don’t have a schedule. My phone didn’t work for almost 2 months. I didn’t even know what day it was half of the time. I do know what month it is, though lately that’s gotten a bit unimportant as well. All this is just a fabricated idea of dividing your time up. 

Why would I want to do that? It’s not very natural to me. I find I live better and think better when I have fluidity and fewer restrictions.

Travelling has given me that, fluidity and fewer restrictions.

That’s why I’ve learned so much about myself in these 3 months.

I’m a really strong person. I have determination. I didn’t even realize that before.

For almost 7 years I did a 9-5 teaching job. Completely restricted, especially in such a controlled social environment as Korea, the South, not the North. I could really feel myself fading in the last couple of years. 

I know it was bad for me, but I had to keep going. I had to pay off my student debt. I couldn’t really start my life and live it the way I wanted to, with no restrictions, if I had 300-500 dollars to pay every month for the next 10 years. I would have had to get a job, buckle down, and pay that shit off. 

No travelling, no expanding of my mind and understanding of the world and the people in it, no learning of the diversity of possible ways to live my life, no growing beyond my conditioning as a child, no realizing what kind of living style I need to stay healthy and be satisfied in life, no discovering farming (permaculture) as a real option in my life, no discovery of my life dream and goal of being in or starting an off-grid/selfsustaining/selfsufficient/natural building/artsy teaching eco-community. None of that, and more.

I’m a strong and determined woman. I forgot that.

I’m so grateful for my chance to learn and to live the way I want to.

I am grateful for the people I know, the great friends I’ve been so fortunate to meet, the incredible places I’ve been able to travel to, the wonderful lessons I’ve had the opportunity to learn and the unconventional dreams I have been free and able to nurture.

Thank you!

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