Growing some more

Oh, I want to say what I am feeling right now, I want to write something that will show what I'm thinking, but it's just not coming out. All I can do is wait and see and not rush things. When it's time to act and make a decision I will. But until then, I have to be content with what I have. I find myself restless and looking for change. I wish I would have more courage and be more assertive.

Confused

I feel at a crossroads again. The prospect of staying in the same place another year doesn't appeal to me anymore. But at the same time I'm torn as to what to do. I am realizing more and more that things can change at any time, when I choose I can just do something different. I feel afraid of change all of a sudden. The comfort and easy in which I'm living in right now is making me lazy and not wanting to do anything about it. I guess if I knew my contract would end in a couple of months I would be feeling that rush of things changing and moving and having to pack and plan to where I need to go next, but now, since I resigned at the same place, I find I'm loosing the energy to keep doing what I've been doing so far. What if I go somewhere else and I'll feel just the same, looking outside of myself for the answer to my happiness.

What I want

I can see it clearer and clearer. I want to be in the country side. I want a little farm, with some pigs and a cow and chickens and a little patch of land where I can grow my vegetables and all that I need to live. I want to live a natural life where I can work for myself, where I can see my labour flourish into nice carrots and onions and lettuce and beans and tomatoes and fat plump chickens and yummy eggs and fresh milk and home made sausages and roast pork. I want the smell, I want the dirt, I want the simple life.

Moment

I had a great moment this morning. It was bright and crispy outside. I was just standing there looking out the window and on the lamp post across the street a white dove landed. It stayed there for about a minute and turned around and was looking in my direction. I stared right at it and I felt like the bird was staring right back at me. This beautiful white bird. It reminded me of a dream my dad had about a crow only here there was a peaceful benevolent feeling.

Different person

I never imagined being where I am, and being how I am right now. I have changed so much, in appearance, mentality, life goals, ideology... And it hasn't even been a year since I've gone away, but being able to change environments so drastically has allowed me to really grow and develop without much influence from the outside. It's all worth it, I wish more people would take the time to get to know themselves more in depth.

I'm only 25, and still have so much more time.

Wonderful day

I woke up this morning to a nice cuddling session, went to work slightly late because it's Friday and it doesn't matter much. Cooked with the kids and played games all morning. Had a good lunch and long break, filled with some more awesome and yummy cuddling. Had a good rest of the day at work, with lots of kids enjoying their classes. And then, I got paid :). Came back home, watched a little of this movie I had ordered on EBay that finally arrived today, then, after some suuper nice cuddling, Ryan and me went and treated ourselves to some nice BBQ at our favourite beef place across the street. We ate, drank and talked for a couple of hours. Then came back, I found a nice full length mirror downstairs where the furniture store throws out things they don't need, bought some delicious ice-cream and went up. Now I'm listening to this awesome album by John Lennon and Yoko Ono.

What a super nice day :D.

One more year

So, after a lot of thinking and planing and looking at options, I've decided to stay another year with the same school. It will all be just a lot easier now because I've already figured the system out, have all the materials for school, my apartment is all set and looks nice, no use going anywhere else right now and staring everything all over again. So yes, I've decided to stay. This means I'll be here until March 2009. I thought about going to Canada to visit for a week (that's the most I would have off), but it's not time for it yet. I feel free here, my life all in front of me, doing what I need to do to figure out what I should be doing with it, where I should go. It's scary at times. I realised this is the first time I have been away for so long from my parents. The longest time I've been away before was 7 months when I went to England. Next week it'll be 10 months. Wow, so now I've got 14 more months to go until I can leave. Who knows what will happen though, maybe I'll stay again another year after that.

I cut up my credit card the other day. I realised it's idea of a safety net was absolutely false. I get paid, I have money, why have a credit card that obviously will be used regardless of my finances. So, it's gone. Now I buy groceries and cook at home, send my money away and keep my savings. My sister knows how to do it right.

Is this winter?

So, winter is here. I had read before that there's not a lot of snow here, but I wasn't prepared for this. It snowed a couple of times and it never stayed for the whole evening. It feels so weird. Christmas is coming and there isn't that festivity, that holiday madness in the air. I was reminded of Boxing Day the other day and just realised the ridicule of having such a day. So, Christmas day, Jesus our saviour is born, next day, go shopping and show us how much you love Jesus!!! HAHAHAHAHA. I mean, why would Boxing Day be a holiday? It's just an excuse to go shopping and spend lots of money that most people don't even have.

I want snow!!

Good times

Well, even though it's getting really cold outside, and even at work I wear many layers, hat and scarf, I'm still enjoying myself. My birthday was a few days ago, and I didn't really want to celebrate or make a big deal out of it. It was nice to get some emails, phone calls, and messages from people wishing me happy birthday though. The weekend before that I felt a change in me. I feel like an adult now, ready to consciously take my life into my own hands and be responsible for the consequences of my decisions. I find I have to constantly remind myself of this, but at least I have went up a level in my development.

Here are the latest pictures :).


This is Ryan and me at a pub being silly and taking random pictures.




This is in the morning, amazing light coming through, after a nice cuddle, I'm all warm and fuzzy inside :)

This is my life

Here I am, Tuesday night, it's 3am, am talking with my friend Ryan, have had quite a few drinks, just went outside for a smoke, and saw that it was snowing. Then I had an amazing realisations. THIS IS MY LIFE!!!!! From now on, it is mine. My responsibility. Only mine. No one else's. My decisions, my choices. What I want out of my life, I will have to do, work for, get, accomplish, figure out, all that. But now it's only up to me. I'm far away from family and friends, and the only person I have to rely on is myself. This is my life and my life alone. I hadn't realised this before. I was living someone else's expectations, doing what was normal and common, but not anymore. Now, this is my life. I will do what I want, figure out what is good for me and be where I want to be , go where I want to go, because this IS MY LIFE!!! How wonderful is that :D