Clothes and other things that (don't) fit

In the last couple of day, something sad but amazing dawned on me.

I found out the reason why I wore men's clothing when I was younger and why it took me so long to look and dress more feminine.

The annoyingly simple answer is:

I didn't know how to.

It was not something intuitive to me.

I was completely clueless.

I remember going shopping with my sister at the stores she liked, and she would know what to get for herself.

Just like that.

She would know what looked good, what fit, what went with what, what colours, what styles.

But I had no idea.

First, none of the clothes that jumped at me fit. So I developed a bad body image, thinking that I was too fat to look good in "normal" clothes. 

No one had told me not to shop at the skinny people's stores but to go to the curvy women's stores/sections.

Then, I also had no idea what colours suited me, how to combine materials, what styles there were and what clothes and materials would fit my figure.

And so, I was clueless as to how to shop for clothes that fit me, made me look feminine, and that gave me confidence in my appearance.

But I still needed clothes.

So I bought men's clothing.

Those always fit and they were cheap and you could buy them everywhere.

And that's what I did for a few years, pretty much throughout university. This not only affected the way I'd dress, but many other things.

Before leaving university in December, I decided to get curly hair. I don't know what drove me to do that, but that's where it all changed.

That year, for new years eve I went to a party with my sister and a friend from uni.

I still have the picture of me and my fabulous outfit. I never felt so beautiful and fantastic before. Hair, makeup, earrings, necklace, low cut shirt, belt, pants and shoes. All very feminine and fitting me well.

But that was only one outfit, something to wear for special occasions... I still had the rest of the time to deal with.

So, I moved on from men's clothing to jeans and a shirt. It was a step up, but still not feminine or complementary to my figure.

A few months later when I moved to Korea, my fashion sense, if you want to call it that, and my sense of self got influenced by a whole new bunch of things.

Again I didn't fit and was bigger than most of the people I knew and saw, at least that's how it felt. Again I couldn't find any clothes that fit me or that made me look and feel good.

I didn't think about it very much, didn't do much shopping either, but just made due with the shirts and t-shirts I had.

I eventually got some nicer things when I'd travel to Thailand, so the winter and summer vacations became my favorite time of the year because I could wear nice thing that made me feel like a beautiful woman.

Things have changed lately. My priorities have changed. This last year I've spent a bit more money and I've been shopping at an international store that sells larger women's clothing. This way I've been able to buy some very pretty clothes. 

So, looking back, this has been a very long and difficult learning experience.

I wish someone would have sat me down when I was younger and would have told me that solid colours are my thing, that my hair up in a ponytail is not a good look for me, that dresses and skirts look good but that I should wear something underneath so as to not chafe, that skinny jeans do look good on me and bell-bottoms not so much. I wish someone would have told me all these things and more, things that I've only managed to learn now, in my late 20s.

Now I'm looking forward to go back to Canada and try to find clothes that suit my shape, my taste and my budget.

Next, I might tackle swimwear, or makeup and facial products. But I don't know, that might take another 10 or 20 years if I keep going at this pace.

Oh Korea!

There are some things that people do here that just don't make sense. It's usually very small and you don't really remember because those things are just so little. The only way to deal with those things is to say: Oh Korea! Then you breath deeply and move on.

Well, the other day, I managed to photograph such a moment.

I actually got really angry, but had to get over it eventually. There was not point in staying angry.

So, this is what happened...

I looked out the window to see the state of the weather, and this is what I saw.

Now, what is wrong with this picture??

Well, as you can see, that car moved my scooter to the curb, and parked on half of my parking space and half on another.

Why did they have to do that?

I don't know.

There were no other cars parked anywhere that day, and the parking spaces are not assigned.

Why did they have to move my scooter? 

Why didn't they just park in another spot?

I really don't understand what possessed that person to move my stuff and half assed park it in that particular space.

GRRRRRRR

So, there you go. Something that makes completely no sense, that just happened, that I can't really do anything about...

Oh Korea!

Beach Day

After almost 2 weeks of non stop rain, we had a calm day of sun, warm breezes and no rain.

YAY!!

So, the Goseong Gang got together and we went out for a walk to the beach followed by a Korean BBQ.

This is the walk down from my school, just behind my apartment building that you can see on the left.

We are VIP!

The water was fantastic! I wish I had brought swimming gear!

Awww, so cute! Just the ladies :)

Robert being his goofy self :)

And then we saw a puppy!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!! SOOOOOO CUTE!!!!!!!!!

Nervous

Every week I get the nervous jitters before going in to work. Will I do a good job? Will I be able to teach these kids? Will my lessons be interesting, educational and relevant for my students? Will my co-teachers approve of my style and materials? 

Well, I'm looking forward to not feeling like that, not because I think it should be all easy and that I should not feel nervous at all. 

No! 

But because I don't care to be nervous for this: teaching English. 

I want to be nervous with excitement. 

I want to feel those jitters when I'm doing something I feel passionate about.

I want to feel those jitters when I'm having to teach something or do something that I love, and someone is learning from me or evaluating me. 

I want to feel alive because there are real consequences to my chosen path, consequences that I'll have to live with.

Yes, that I can live with.

Looking up

I thought I was intimidated by people who were more successful in their desired field, or have figured out more things in life. I thought they made me feel inadequate and immature and naive. I thought I was jealous and resentful of their achievements.

To some degree, that might have been true, but now when I'm ready to embark on my own journey, all of that is not valid anymore.

Their struggles and accomplishments are an inspiration, something to learn from and strive for myself.

Thinking that other people have been less fortunate than me doesn't make me feel OK with what I've done so far either. 

I do feel grateful and lucky that I've had the opportunities that I did, and that I've had a safe and good life so far.

But now I feel I need to push more, fight more, grow more, learn more, struggle more, achieve more.

29 days left

Ok, so I am officially less than a month away.

I've finished my lessons at school, and only have a week of movies to deal with. Then, a 3 day English camp and I'm officially done teaching.

I did some sorting today, which was great. I got some stuff done in the end.

Events

So, I knew that the 50th anniversary of Doctor Who will happen November 23rd, and I'll be in Liverpool then. YAAAY!!

I'll be watching it on TV or maybe go to the cinema and see it there. But hopefully, there will be other people who are into it as well.

What I just found out though, is that there will be a big convention/party/event from the 22nd to the 24th in London, where Matt Smith will make an appearance, BUT, it's all sold out :( :(.

And then I looked for more Doctor Who actor appearances, and I found out that some of the cast members will be appearing at the San Diego Comic Con. OMG!!!!!

BUT!!!

That's going on this week and I obviously can't go :( :( :(. And I won't be able to go next year either because of my internship which will go all the way through to November.... :`(

So, I just found out about 2 great events, which I can't attend :(.

BUT!!!

At least now I know of these events, and I've put myself on their mailing lists, and have signed up as a member, so I'll be getting event updates and hopefully, next time there's an event, I'll know about it in advance and will be able to buy a ticket. YAAAY!!

Ups and Downs

But it's not always happy and exciting.

There are times like yesterday and today, where I feel miserable.

Unmotivated, sad, down, slightly depressed, antisocial... for no particular reason.

Wanting to escape. But escape what?

I know it's just temporary, and by Monday or Tuesday it'll be gone, and I'll be back to my happy self.

But still... it comes and goes.

I guess it's normal. We all feel down once in a while. Whether there's a reason or not... doesn't really matter. Might just be our brains sorting out through different chemicals and hormones.

Role models

I've been watching interviews with actors.

I find that industry incredibly fascinating since I've grown up with movies and have had huge misconceptions about it all until recently.

What blows my mind is the amount of drive and determination required. The amount of hard work and long hours those people have to put into their work. Not only during the actual filming, but also in preparation for a movie, the training, the rigorous exercise or dieting or learning they have to do for certain jobs.

And then, they have to work with such a variety of people. Their boss, the director, instructing them on what to do, in a good way or not, and they have to perform.

They are lucky though. They have such great role models in that industry. Great, talented and accomplished people they can learn from and strive to emulate.

I think many young people nowadays, including me, are lacking role models. Not to necessarily show you how it's done, but to see greatness. To see the possibilities. To also see the reality of things. To see the struggle that is required to achieve things. To see great personal values and learn of personal strengths required to make things happen.

My search continues...

Personal Thoughts and Reflections

I've got 37 days left here.

It's not really going very fast, not going slowly either. It's just steadily going.

My packing and clearing up clutter has slowed down significantly. My apartment still looks well lived in and homey. Messy, but still homey.

What I have noticed happening more and more now is personal reflection. I do a lot of personal reflection and analysis anyways, but more so now. 

So many things are changing now, and so many more things will be changing very soon.

I'm randomly feeling anxious and unsure of my choices and my future.

I don't know if I've made my choices for the right reasons or only to avoid difficulty and struggle.

I don't know if I'll be challenged enough, fulfilled enough or growing enough.

But I do know, luckily, that my options and opportunities are many and varied. 

I just have to have courage and actually work hard for a change for the things I want. 

That's the difficult thing. 

I've had things come so easily, for so long, and if they didn't come, I just accepted it and found a way around them. 

But working hard for something was rarely a choice that I made. Things just happened.

And that scares me. 

I'm leaving the safety, ease and stability of this place and an exciting unknown future lies ahead. 

I don't want to be a passive participant in my life anymore. 

I want to make choices, good and bad, work hard for my dreams, struggle and sweat, and in the end, feel accomplished and fulfilled that I've put it some effort into shaping my life.

And so...

I hope I've learned enough of myself and things in general to help me make the right decisions when they matter. 

I hope I've acquired good values and a strong character to be a good person and stay true to myself.

Even though there are some things I am not happy about myself, I hope I will continue to work on them and make myself into the person I want to be.

I know this change is the right thing and is happening at the right time.

I also know that what I'm feeling is normal.

I'm just trying to work through it and stay positive.