Back to the city

So, I'm back in Chiang Mai, and am waiting around for 6:30pm to come so I can take a bus to Bangkok overnight so I can fly to Qatar in the morning.

I'm here in an internet cafe mainly to charge up my eBook so I'll have something to read on the 7 hour flight tomorrow.

Leaving the people at Panya, and also leaving the place itself felt strange. I feel like it wasn't really good bye. Maybe I'll see those people again, maybe I'll go there again, or maybe I didn't get close enough to have a strong feeling about leaving. But, this community is pretty small, considering the whole world population, so I'm pretty sure I'll meet them again.

It was a really interesting experience. I have to think a lot about this to come to a fuller understanding of it. Very cool!!

I've also accumulated almost 500 Gigs of music, permaculture resources and various documentaries. I can't wait to get back to boring work and have that time to go through that information. Fantastic stuff!!

AND! I've also got LOADS of pictures. AMAZING pictures :). (coming soon)

On the farm

I'm on the farm in Thailand.

It's called Panya (http://www.panyaproject.org/), and it's north of Chiang Mai. It is beautiful and very idealistic.

It's run by foreigners and it makes me think of a commune.

The course I'm doing now is about natural building, so building with natural materials.

It's not really an introduction to permaculture, but more of a specialization. 

I found a Permaculture Design Course that is really the first thing you should do to know more about the 'ins and outs' of natural living. This course will be from September 9th until September 20th in Romania (http://permacultura.alvalia.ro/index.html).

I really want to go. It's very cheap, and it's in Romania, so I can go and visit some family and also experience how it is possible to live this way even in Romania.

I hope I can do it.

I have lots of amazing pictures from this course, but they'll come when I get back to Korea.

I worry

I worry about my life
I worry about my personality
I worry about people liking me
I worry about thinking about people liking me
I worry that I'm too lazy

I worry that I'm too hairy

I worry because I'm not neat

I worry that I've had it too easy
I worry that I won't get anything done with my life
I worry that my dreams are crap
I worry that my efforts are pointless
I worry about what will happen in a few years
I worry about my health
I worry about being alone
I worry about not having friends
I worry about ending up alone
I worry that I won't find love
I worry about not having my own family
I worry about becoming antisocial
I worry about forgetting myself
I worry about not thinking
I worry about not being open
I worry about not saying what's on my mind
I worry that I'm wasting my life
I worry that I'm insecure
I worry about feeling hopeless
I worry about feeling lost
I worry about so many things
It's tiering to think and do anything to change
Because then I remember all the things I worry about and then
I worry about my life again

i dreamt of my hero

i dreamt of my hero
who asked me to trust him
he was strong and smart
with a knowing smile on his face
he knew me
he admired me
i punched him in the face
i wanted to show i was tough and independent
he was surprised by my reaction
i saw it in his eyes
in that knowing smirk
he asked me to trust him
and rely on him
it was very difficult
i don't trust easily anymore
nor rely on others anymore
but he held my hand
and reassured me he knew the area
and showed me on the map
where i had to go
and we walked hand in hand
i felt good
he knew me

Books I've read 2010

I just looked on my dashboard on this blog, and I realized I have 7 followers. WOW!!!

Do people actually read my blog??

That's amazing.

Well, so I clicked on each persons name and saw this one person had some other blogs they were interested in. I clicked on those.

I got to this really interesting post where the person wrote all the books they've read this year. WOW!!!!

It's nice to keep track of what you've read. I tend to forget after a while.

So, I'm going to, just for this post, write down the books that I've read since January.

Here we go:

Twilight Series by Stephenie Meyer:

Book1: Twilight

Book2: New Moon

Book3: Eclipse

Book4: Breaking Dawn

Book5: Midnight Sun

True Blood Sookie Stackhouse Series by Charlaine Harris:

Book1: Dead until Dark

Book2: Living Dead in Dallas

Book3: Club Dead

Book4: Dead to the World

Book5: Dead as a Doornail

Book6: Definitely Dead

Book7: All Together Dead

Book8: From Dead to Worse

Book9: Dead and Gone

Book10: Dead in the Family

Otherworld Series by Kelley Armstrong:

Book1: Bitten

Book2: Stolen

Book3: Dime Store Magic

Book4: Industrial Magic

Book5: Haunted

Book6: Broken

Book7: No Humans Involved

Book8: Personal Demon

Book9: Living with the Dead

Book10: Frostbitten

Book11: Waking the Witch
Book12: Men of the Otherworld (short stories)
Book13: Tales of the Otherworld (short stories)

Love at Stake Series by Kerrelyn Sparks
Book1: How to Marry a Millionaire Vampire

Book2: Vamps in the City

Book3: Sugarplums and Scandal

Book4: Be still my Vampire Heart

Book5: The undead next door

Book6: All I want for Christmas is Vampire

Book7: Secret life of a Vampire

Book8: Forbidden Nights with a Vampire

Book9: The Vampire and the Virgin

Easy way to stop smoking by Allen Carr

The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks

The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins

Bounce

I've bounced back.

When I get back from any vacation I seem to have a few weeks of feeling crappy. Maybe because I'm leaving a wonderful place. Maybe because I'm going back to a place I'd rather not be in. Maybe it's both. Probably it's both.

In any case.

I've bounced back.

I've started working out.

I've gotten back to cleaning my apartment.

Next I've got to get back into cooking.

I just have to learn to get through these emotional and mental ups and downs, and keep going, because things always work out in the end.

Illusions

I think people are attracted to people who are happy, or can easily fake happiness.

How can you fake happiness you ask?

Fake it. People are loud, exaggerate, behave over-the-top.

But faking it doesn't take you far, because people always see through it in the end.

Or, like me, just don't interact with people. Be quiet, retreated, introverted.

I know that's not me. It's just a coping mechanism.

When I'm in a different place (not in Korea), I'm incredibly outgoing and friendly and HAPPY!

Why am I happy there and not here? What about this place makes me unhappy.

I don't think I like being in a place for such a long time. Especially not having people around to hang out with.

It's been over 3.5 years now. And I'll be here another year. Hopefully my last year.

I hope I get out of this head space soon...

Who are you?

I think part of being happy is accepting who you are.

Knowing who you are.

Knowing there are things about yourself that you just can't change.

Know that there are some things you can change.

What is Happiness?

I just realized that I'm not happy.

It's an amazing realization. I always love figuring out why I feel the way I feel.

The times when I'm happy is when I leave Korea and go travel. When I meet people, enjoy the warm sun and eat food that is not Korean.

The rest of the time I cope, I manage. Here, the little things make a difference from day to day.

I think I knew this, but not very consciously.

But now I get it. I don't belong here. I've been here for way too long. This has to be the last year here.

Even if my plans after this year don't work out, I'll have to get out.

I'm too young to be bitter and miserable. Seriously!!

Early next year I'll have finished paying off all my debt and I won't have this burden and responsibility weighing me down. I can afford to take off some time and go somewhere and do something that I truly enjoy.

I think I need a long vacation.

I've done a lot of work on myself here, and I've grown and found out a lot of things.

But, I need to do more and I feel held back here. The usefulness of the situation is gone. I need to be somewhere else so I can keep growing.

People

After being in Thailand, and actually, after repeated traveling and meeting a variety of people with whom I've been able to develop over a pretty short time a really good connection, it's REALLY difficult to interact with people here in my region. I don't share anything with them, I can see right through their fake attitudes and exaggeration and showing off to impress mannerism. There was one person like that on my CELTA course and I just steered clear of her. I didn't feel the need or obligation to interact with her. Why is it here in Korea, in Geojin/Sokcho, that I have to interact and deal with people that I REALLY don't want anything to do with.

I can't stand people who are two faced. AH!